It don't mean shit now...

I want to apologise in advance for the explosion of rants that i am about to have on this page...

The person behind the words has been trying to heal, and has kept Copper in the solitary confinement of my psyche. But just as any good alter-ego should, Copper knew just when to induce a personality split and come clawing to the surface to rescue the weak woman who plays author to Copper's voice...

Lets us commence...

MEN: A constant source of new and entertaining ways to torture my soul.

So after the final (hopefully) removal of The Grand Asshole from my life, I began to move towards something similar to a normal life, if there truly is such a thing. I have broken patterns that I never thought I would be able to break. I still have a touch of PTSD but I have developed new skills. I can shop in the daytime, I can go out to the club at night and not look over my shoulder, and evidently i can do one other thing: I can let my guard down with a mother fucking, cheating-ass man!

So a little while after the GA's exodus, a good friend of mine introduced me to a guy she had known for a little while. She told me he had recently gotten out of a relationship too and might be fun to just hang out with.

We met, and over time began to hang out quite frequently. Yea, we had sex. We had fucking awesome sex. He's nice and twisted like Copper and he knew how to do mama right. But it was what it was and we were both cool with that. We never mentioned love or relationships, it simply was not what we were about. He knew i was out doin' me when we were not together, just like he was, and when we would hook up, it was bangin'... moving furniture and having to mop the floor afterward type bangin'!

So we chilled like this for about 2 years, and over time, we became pretty tight. I trusted him and we talked about everything. Other men, what causes relationships to fail, why women trip over stupid shit, etc. He was my "key-guy". You know, the person that you trust enough to hold a key to your house and car in case you get locked out. He had met my kids, so rare for me. So needless to say, i really thought i knew all the important things about the guy.

Well, as it turns out, I had been left in the dark about one very important detail:

 HE HAS HAD A GIRLFRIEND THE ENTIRE TIME

Imagine my shock to find out that I have been the fucking other woman! The "extra", "ace in the hole", or "number 2".  A surprisingly well kept secret, considering the amount of times we have been out, just chillin' together.So degrading, it makes me sick to my stomach to thing that i was parading around town with someone else's man. Bless her heart, i guess she has not clue that we had had sex, outside of my car, in the parking lot of the apartment that they share. Regularly.  I can't believe that this young kat has gotten one over on me so damn well.. I never suspected a thing. I really don't know why he would wait until 2 years in to sit on my bed and simply inform me of this fact. He claims he thought that I knew when we met and that i just chose to not bring it up. And he was starting to maybe think differently towards me and suddenly realized that i did not know the real deal.

Well..now.

Let's be real here. Had he told me from the jump I would have definitely played the situation quite differently, but it would have only changed some of the outcome. Yes, we may have still had sex, unfortunate but true. (Sorry if that offends anyone but like is said, we are being real and I know many of you feel me, so don't hate) But i would not have allowed him to know many intimate secrets that i can not remove from his memory. I would not have spent so much time with him, and I know this is twisted, but out of respect for his girl. A random hook up is different than keeping soap, shoes and a change of clothes at my place.

SO .. now i am left feeling foolish and rather pissed. I don't know how to handle the remaining shards of this odd relationship. Truth is, i am used to having him available, since he is the absolute only friend that I have that lives in the town I live in... all my other friends live where i work or out of state. I would miss the companionship. But I can't help but to feel terribly used..

Copper

What’s it worth to you?

Some of you may recall my short lived escapades with a local physician a few years back… I met him in a department store. At first glance I thought he was gay. I remember thinking that I have a lot of male friends that would love to meet him. He was looking my direction and when he approached me I was thinking that he was simply searching for help in locating the correct isle for some elusive cleaning product. I was quite surprised when he introduced himself and asked me to join him later that evening for a drink.

Things progressed from there and for the few months we would see each other a few times a week. The sex was pretty good and he kept an ample selection of good imported beers, so I guess I could say I was enjoying his company. Over time I had began to develop some sort of feelings toward him. Certainly not love, but I have to admit that I had allowed myself to think of fondly and his bed had become a place of comfort and reprise. He is divorced and it was obvious that he had not gotten over his ex-wife. I don’t believe either of us had any ideas of a future together, but I felt that there was an good amount of mutual respect between us. Although it came as no big surprise when our contact began to fade away and eventually ended completely, I was annoyed that he was not mature enough to simply say we should part company.



So a few weeks ago I am sitting at the kitchen table when the home phone rings. I nearly jump out of my skin. I live in an older home and have a working rotary phone hanging on my dining room wall. It’s of the vintage avocado green variety and when it rings it can rival the best of air raid sirens. This was strange because only family and close friends have my home number and the thing rarely gets the chance to scare the bejeezus outta me. I grab my heart and the receiver at same time. It’s him. He says he has been trying to find me. I am thinking that he must not have been trying too hard because I live in the same place, drive the same car and have the same mobile number, but whatever. I am slightly intrigued, but have really moved on and there is more than enough on my plate at the moment. He goes on about how he has missed me and that he lost my mobile number and he finally found my home number via the internet… how lovely…



After a few minutes of him rambling on he asks me if I have plans for the night. I am really not feeling the situation so give him my mobile number, make a joke about him saving it this time, and blow him off for the night. It does not take long for him to start texting me. It starts out mildly enough but I cringe when I see that I have an incoming picture message. Why is it that men think women would want to gaze at a picture of their hairy balls and crooked penis? Seriously… is there some misguided website out there that advises men to routinely shock innocent woman with forth-rate porn pictures with “sent from my iphone” watermarked at the bottom? 




So my internal ENGAGE IGNORING SEQUENCE warning light begins to flash like mad. What is really up here? I am pretty sure I know… he just wants sex…



(I was right… I just had no idea how right!)



It’s been a few days and I am doing an excellent job of ignoring his calls and text messages. Then it got really strange… So strange that at first I thought he was joking…

The first off-the-wall message asked me if I wanted to make some money. Well…now of course I want to make money… but in my experience offers such as these never seem to be of the legal variety. We all know that curiosity kills so I send a reply asking what, exactly, is he getting at. The reply made me take a seat: “I will give you $500 if you will spend the night with me”. Excuse me? Just who does this jerk think he is, or better yet, who does he think ‘I’ am? As I sit there with my mouth hanging open, I receive another text. It simply says “$700”.



Now I’ve had all kinds of sex in my day.. good, bad, sloppy, amazing and some that I am still trying to forget… but I have NEVER had sex that I would pay money for… especially the ridiculous amounts that he seems to be suggesting. As I stated earlier, I am having a difficult time believing that this is for real. He must just be uber-drunk and will be ashamed of himself in the morning.

No such luck kiddies! The next night the bid starts out at $1000. I send him a text that says: "are you trying to BUY me??" He replies: "does that offend you?"

Then I receive: "what will it take?? $5000?!"

This is insane! I do not reply to any of these and then the most heart stopping text of all: "We can work out $10,000"

Time to "phone a friend". I dial friend #1. Of course, #1 basically tells me I am crazy for not jumping on the offer to get paid to have sex with someone that I have already 'done the deed' with before... But it feels so... wrong. Had I not had a touch of feeling for the man in the past, I suppose its possible that I would have a different view of the situation, but in the given circumstances, I just cannot bring myself to do it. On to friend #2. Now I am offered a few different scenarios designed to set him up, tie him up , and take the money... no sex required. What a supportive set of friends I have.

To date I am still receiving random offers with the occasional " I miss you, don't you miss me?" mixed in. Now its just a laugh to see how long it will go on. Bottom line is: I know I got some good shit going on down there, I know its not 10k good, simply because I don't believe any woman's is, but its mine, and I choose not to sell it!

Copper

Paradigm Shift...

When I woke up this morning I felt revived… Its funny how the feeling of victory can cause a paradigm shift.




My old view was that I had been neglected… passed over for another. See… it should have been us… Not them…



“King” and “littlegirl”… what a match…



So yea, King still calls once in a while and Copper is still weak for him… so she allows him back into her bed…but not into her heart… She knows better… Now when he prepares to leave, she does not feel the usual sting of tears forming in her eyes… She simply kisses him goodbye and smiles… She knows he may return to littlegirl for now, but her King will always come back for her…



Copper has her VICTORY…



You see… littlegirl thinks that she has the upper hand… she is with him…they are the ones in the conventional relationship… But King keeps running back to Copper every so often… If littlegirl was enough to keep his attention King would be satisfied and not need to fall into Copper’s arms to feel complete.



King will never be satisfied with one woman… Copper is wise enough to know that… but she gets her benefits without the pain… Since she has known King he has been with some woman or another in some sort of relationship… and in each relationship King has cheated on that woman with Copper…



In the past, there was nothing she wanted more than to have her own relationship with King…



With time comes wisdom… She now accepts that they have created their own form of togetherness…and that this form is the plateau… They will never go any higher than this odd combination of carnal attraction and fleeting affection… but just maybe that is exactly what they were meant to be to each other…



In this light, all time spent together is pleasure filled… they laugh and talk just like they had been together every day when in actuality it has usually been months…



They enjoy each other without the stress and distrust of real love…



Or…maybe… this is the purest and simplest form of love… Uncomplicated and free…



Copper

The fire inside

A burning desire... the building up of pressure...the throbbing fever of spirit. That inner spark that can be doused to barely a flicker or fed and fueled a roaring inferno. Copper has tread the coals of both smoldering outter rims... She finds that the true art of life is in the abilty to just run with it...and don't look down.

Guarding her flame she struggles...burning dangerously hot but working diligently to stay within the safe confinement of kiln... She fears she will work the fire and turn the embers until she is so overcome by the heat that she bursts open... causing an explosion of emotion to cascade down around her an onto those near her.

Still, she is cautious when she dampers the flame for if she allows herself to drop too low... if she cools too much and her embers turn to ash... she will become cold...she will no longer be able to warm herself or heat up another...

Watching Insanity: Part One

For Sarah,

You have inspired me to finally attempt to find the words to tell the story...

I love you..


My friends we are about to begin a journey. It will be a long terrible trip and every moment is true. We will go places that the sane will never venture. Friends, dear sweet friends, tonight we travel into the mind of a madman.

NIGHT ONE : WAKING UP IN HELL

It was a few years back. I was still with the Grand Asshole and we were living in the converted basement of a ranch style brick overlooking the high school. I really don't know how to say it began it just seemed to happen. We had had friends over earlier that day and had stayed up late watching TV. I was really sleepy and he has had his usual over dosage of pharmaceuticals so I helped him stumble to the bed and went around to my side. I still had my jeans on so I slipped them off onto the floor and left them in a crumpled pile. I climbed into bed and was asleep very soon after.

A few hours later I was startled awake. "I know what you fucking did bitch." His face inches from mine. I could feel his hot breath on my cheek.  I blinked my eyes. Once. Twice. What? He grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me up. "I know you had sex with them! I know you taped it, I watched you. Are you three gonna sell it? Make money making a mockery of me?"   He was up on his knees on the bed. Naked. Looking at me, his eyes wild in the moonlight leaking through the curtains. I was so confused. What was it he had said. Something about sex. "What are you talking about?" "Sex with who?" "Did you have a bad dream? What's wrong with you?"

He tells me that he saw me and the friends that we just had over go into the bathroom and he watched as we proceeded to film ourselves fucking each other all twisted different ways. He was adamant that it had happened. He pointed to my jeans on the floor and shouted "see you still have your pants off!" I said of course, I mean we were in bed, I don't sleep with my pants on. We are up and fighting now and I just can't figure this out. He seems to really believe that this happened. I can't convince him it was a dream. But then it all starts go from bad to really freaking strange. He goes to the closet and picks up a shoe. A brown Stacy Adams. Then he starts talking to it. Talking to his friend named Randy actually. He says Randy is in the shoe. Like inside of the shoe. I can't believe what I am hearing. He is telling Randy how I am such the little cunt and that I have probably been having sex with of his friends. As he is talking to Randy he begins to pick at himself, like you would pick off a ball of lint. He says he has arrows on him and he has to pick them off. He says that they keep hitting him and pricking him like thorns. Here is a man standing at the foot of the bed naked, picking at nothing and holding a wing tip shoe! I must be dreaming. But I am not dreaming. I know I am not dreaming when he opens the window and the cold November air rushes through. He says the room is filling with spiders and he has to scoop them out. He looks insane. I am really scared. He is cupping his hands and going through the motions of scooping and dumping out the window. Every time I try to explain that what he is seeing is not there he pushes me back and shouts for me to stop lying. He says I am just trying to confuse him so he will forget what I did.

He goes to the window and stands there. Looking at his reflection he thinks that there is someone out in the yard looking at him. He climbs through the window with a golf club. I go down the hall and out the front door. He is swinging the club in the darkness and daring the nonexistent intruder to come near him. After much persuasion I finally get him to come inside. He sits on the couch. and I get him to put on his robe. He sees his winter coat hanging on the coat rack and goes over to it. Suddenly he yells at the red and black fabric to stop laughing at him. He jerks it from the rack and is on the floor punching the coat! He is screaming at it but I don't understand what he is saying. Something about all the faces and they are laughing.

Its dawn. He has wrestled and fought the jacket in the floor for hours. Crawling around, scooting across the floor. He has carpet burn on his knees and elbows. His fingers are raw and his knuckles are bloody. He sleeps in the corner. He has taken off his robe and wrapped it around his head.

I lay on the couch crying, hoping he will be normal when he wakes up...

to be continued...

...a quick word on comments

I have been putting this off for some time now. I will now begin approving comments before the are available for public view. PLEASE continue to leave comments, as they are my motivation to continue writing.

Damn Spam!

Copper

The dentist

A friend of mine had a toothache. He likes to complain a lot and had been complaining of this tooth for so long but always said he did not have the money to get it looked at. That is always his story so I was just sick of hearing it! One day we were hanging out with some other friends of ours and one of them mentioned a dentist that they had heard of that would pull a tooth for $50. He acted like he could handle the price so I chimed in and asked for his name and number. Now its around 9 pm and were all just sitting around talking. Of course he starts in about how much it hurts and could he use my phone to call. Sure why not. Its late and its Sunday night. I assumed he would get an answering service and life would move on. Not so much!


Someone answers. As i listen I begin to realize this gent is open for business! Seriously? He is two towns over but still, we're in the Bible Belt. That is unheard of in this area. He hands me my phone and asks will I drive him. Where?! To the DENTIST? Umm, I guess so. At least maybe the complaining will be over.


So we start out. He had gotten directions and i punch them into TomTom. All the while I am thinking that this just seems real odd to me. By the time we get there it around 11pm. I pull up to see one vehicle in the parking lot. A Navigator. Ok, so maybe he does well for himself. Its a bit promising.


We walk in and see a shabby looking waiting room. Mis-matched chairs around the walls. Very old, sticky looking magazines are strewn around on wobbly tables. It smells like the cinnamon fluoride paste that dentist offices are famous for.


All around the room there are photocopied lists hung:

1 tooth - $50

2 teeth - $60

3 teeth - $65

The list goes all the way through until the last line:

Full mouth - $350

I had to blink a few times for the effect to set in. Now a lady in Carolina blue BabyPhat scrubs approach us. She verifies that he is the person that they were expecting and leads us down a short hallway to a room on the left. It looks unkempt if not plain dirty. I choose the only chair in the room, other than the reclining dental contraption reserved for the patient. It was a metal framed waiting room chair with the typical light padding and grey upholstery over the seat and back rest. It vaguely occurs to me that there are bits of white and pink fuzz stuck to it. I am tired and have to work the next day so it don't even make an attempt to wipe it off, i just sit.

He takes his place as patient and its only a few seconds until the woman rushes back in with a clipboard. She asks him a few very basic questions and says sign here. He complies. I will later reason that she did not explain what he was being asked to sign because it was no doubt a waiver releasing the office from any and all liability for... well... anything.

Now it gets interesting. The dentist comes in the room like a man on a real mission.He walks up to my friend and says "Pay me." My friend complies. He darts past me to the other side of the room. He reaches behind the reclining chair and pulls out a tray of dental devices de' torture. He looks up and out into the hallway. The man yells "What are you dense? Get the hell in here!" The woman comes running in carrying the customary blue bib with chain and drapes it over my friend, not bothering to put the chain around his shoulders and attach the clip. The dentist fills a syringe from a clear vial and states "I am giving you a shot and it will hurt." In less than a heartbeat he jams it into my friend's mouth. I flinch from my post in the corner. My friend screams words that his momma would smack him for. Then... what happened next still makes me cringe.

The good doctor reaches for one of his utensils. Its a slim stainless steel thing, similar to a set of pliers. He is in my friend's mouth in a blink a hear a crack. Another, he pulls out a piece of tooth and slings it across the room. The shard bounces off the wall and hits the floor. I realize that I am staring at the piece of tooth and that my mouth is hanging open. It is a very good thing that I closed it because then came another bit and it bounced off of my cheek and onto my leg. Oh!  I look up to see a what actually appears to be a madman. He is hunched over my friend, pulling and breaking off bits of tooth and throwing them over his shoulder. My friend is making noises that are about half shriek and half gag. The lady in blue is standing there with the plastic sucking device. Every few seconds she does her thing. My friend has passed out. I suppose he has gotten all the tooth out because he stops, stands up and turns to me and says " What kind of pain medication does he want?" Umm, I don't know, isn't that his job? I don't say this though. I don't say anything. But I do close my mouth because it was open again. He leaves the room as does the nurse. I sit there for just a moment before my friend wakes up moaning. The nurse returns and hands me a stack of papers and says
" Leave now. He is awake. Take him to the Walgreen's across the street." 

As I rise to leave this house of horrors, my final thought was of the bits of white and pink fuzz that I noticed in the chair when we arrived.

I was sitting on strangers teeth!

I confess I removed my pants in the parking lot of the dentist office. I left them laying there. I refused to allow the particles of someones pearly whites to enter my car. My friend was unconscious. The man at the Walgreen's drive through window didn't say a word. I suppose the look on my face kept him silenced.

For weeks afterward my friend picked little scraps of tooth from the wound.

This dentist office is still open and from the looks of the parking lot during regular hours, has a thriving business.

Copper

The Amusement Park: You gotta call that love, man.

When I was a little girl I would become so excited at the mention of a trip to the amusement park. I would be sitting up in the backseat of my mom's Oldsmobile smiling ear to ear and talking my parent's heads off. The would repeatedly have to tell me to sit back in the seat and be quiet. I would comply for about five minutes. I just couldn't wait. The thrill of the roller coasters and candy peanuts have since wained considerably, although I still enjoy a good wooden track with plenty of twists and turns, once in a while. The truth is that I rarely think of the amusement park these days, someone close to me recently used it to teach me a lesson I will not soon forget.

It was one of those experiences in your life that you never truly expected to have. I was like that little girl again, siting up in the back seat and loving every moment. I was in a place that I wanted to be, with someone that I wanted to be there with and all was right with the world. As the time passed I was saddened because I was painfully aware that soon, it would all have to end as abruptly as it had began. It hurt. I was in the midst of feeling sorry for myself when I was told:

" Don't spend the entire time at the amusement park crying because you will have to leave. Enjoy it for what it is while you can. If you don't, you will look up and it will all be over. You will have missed it."

He was exactly right. I may never visit that 'amusement park' again, but I rode all the rides I could and ate all the candy peanuts I could find.

I am reminded of a quote by Janice Joplin from  Ball and Chain:

"I mean, if you got a cat for one day, man — I mean, if you, say, say, if you want a cat for 365 days, right — You ain't got him for 365 days, you got him for one day, man.

Well I tell you that one day, man, better be your life, man.

Because, you know, you can say, oh man, you can cry about the other 364, man, but you're gonna lose that one day, man, and that's all you've got.

You gotta call that love, man."

What else could be said?

Fin

Copper

Yellow T-Shirt

I slept in it even though we had been driving all night. It smelled like him. I was wrapped in him and was surrounded by his scent. Even though his arms were around me once again, it made me feel more than close to him. It made me feel that I was in the most natural place I could be. Like I belonged in his arms with my head on his chest. I did not mean to put it in my bag when we got up later to shower. Or maybe, subconsciously, i did.

It was not until i was home unpacking that I realized i still had it. I washed it.Then after in internal struggle with myself, I wore it one more night, this time in my bed. Its as close to he may ever come to being there with me. I could still smell him faintly. I relished the comfort it provided.

 I felt a little guilty as i placed it in the washing machine a second time. I should not have done that. But even though I sent him a link here, he has never visited. I wonder now what he would think if he knew. Most likely that I am crazy. But I am actually just lonely. He wore it today. I wanted reach out and touch him. I wanted to feel the material in my hands again. Of course I said nothing, did nothing. I felt a sense longing. Whats new?

Copper

Let the bodies hit the floor

It was one of the first pleasent nights we have had since the weather broke. I had cleaned the dog kennel early in the day, Its pretty much an out door bedroom, in my opinion. It happens to be the same dementions as my bedroom, in fact! I put the boys out there thinking that they would enjoy the fresh air.

The people next door have regular arguments. Its quite commonplace. I usually tune them out pretty well, but that night it had gotten pretty rough. I woke to the sound of the dogs barking. It sounded like they were about to absolutly loose their minds out there. I jumped up and threw on my robe. I could hear their voices outside intermingled with growls and barking. It was after midnight.I decided I had to bring them inside. I ran out the back door barefoot. When I got to the end of the house I saw a figure in the street. He was lit pretty well by the orange-sulfer glow of the street light above him.

The figure was holding a shotgun.

It was the husband from next door. He was standing the with one hand on his hip and the other grasped the shotgun about half way down the barrell. I was frozen. I did not dare make a move until I figured out what he was up to. 

I could see the wife through the front window. She loked frazzled but ok. Then she ran out the front door. She bent down and picked up a rock and threw it towards him. Was she serious? A rock? That can't end well! He pointed the barrel at her. I wanted to scream! But Copper ain't stupid. I stood my ground. 

I stood my ground well over an hour. They argued. They wrestled. He slapped her. She punched him. He broke her phone. She grabbed the gun. He choked her and got it back.

Noone called the police. I waited outside.

After a while they got quieter. I had not seen the gun in a while. Soon she walked back inside. He lit a smoke and stood under the street light, and get this... he was blowing smoke rings. Just as cool and calm as you please. It gave me chills.

After flicking the butt into the street he went inside too. I stood there contemplating what to do next. I really did not want to leave my dogs out with this madman. I walked ever so softly and let them out. They ran furoiusly towards the back door. My heart was in my throat. What if he had heard. I played it cool and saundered back to the house.

Only once we were inside did I begin to shake. I was scared. Living alone don't usually bother me. I have Super Woman Syndrome. I feel like I don't need anyone. I lived through the Grand Asshole, I can take on anything. Not this night. This night I was truly scared. I needed someone to hold onto, someone to protect me. But Super Copper had to go it alone, but she did drink a beer in complete darkness at 2 am on a saturday morning.

I had layed down somewhere about 3. The dogs were right outside my bedroom door. I was feeling pretty cozy and i guess I drifted off to sleep.

BAM! BAM!

BAM! BAM! BAM!

My mind hears it before I can understand it. My body smacks against the hardwood floor! I must have hit the deck before I actually woke up. Now here I lay. Hurting. Some of you will remember I have been here before and let me tell you, the floor has not softened up a bit! I listen.

BAM! BAM!

to be continued...

Five Star Bitch

Yes, thats what he said said. Someone told me today that I am a Five Star Bitch. Wow! Thanks for the compliment. That was so sweet of you, you Classy Bastard! Thing is, i believe that he actually thought I was going to take those words and feel warm and fuzzy toward him because he cared enough to utter them.


I guess in his way, he was giving me a compliment. But where are we as women if we choose to let the media and music set out boundries? He is calling me a bitch and we have not even went out yet. What a future I would have to look forward to! I think I have been there before and thank you, but no!


What would it take to be a Five Star Bitch? I have no idea why I feel the need to capitalize that title, unless its just the sheer audasity of the phrase itself, that deserves to be honored. I have heard the Yo Gotti track so I suppose we should look at the term bitch as the media portrays it to be basically another word for woman. So what about five star? I it a typical 5 of 5 rating. Well my Rate-My-Face page has sled steady at a 9.3 for many years now, but thats not 10 of 10 so im about a 4.something star to internet land. By the way Copperstiletto is NOT my ratemyface name so, if your curious, don't even try. But I guess it is supposing alot for me to think you would, so moving on. 


Five star would also include such things as independance. I would have to give myself a five here. Sorry, but I am.  Financial security, umm, four. And that may be pushing it some months. I do have my own house and car. Guess that stands for something. So what are the other catagories that I am missing here? Looks to me like my assesment would land me at about a Four Star Bitch. I think I a cool with that.


As for the Five Star Bitch, well as the song says,  ...let me know when you meet her.


Copper

I'm happy in my car

Today I noticed something about myself. There are many places I love to be, I enjoy my job, really love being at home, its nice to visit friends and family, but where I am really comfortable, is in my car. From the drivers seat of my car I feel empowered. I am safe and protected. Its funny just how comfortable I can get.  I will catch myself getting to deep in the radio. Putting on a concert for the rearview mirror. Speakers blaring, its no use to try to see out of it or the back windsheild because they, along with the headlights, are bouncing to the beat with me.

If I have to make an important or stressful call to make, most of the time I do it from my car. I can muster up such bravery while surrounded by that hunk of shiny sheet metal. Any serious conversation is no worry for me while I am sitting there. Its windows, tinted the shade of a permanent marker, conceal me and I am in my safe place. Like a dog's den, it is my sanctuary. Noone can hurt me here. I have spent long hours crying in my car, trying to make sense of it all. Spent many more singing and laughing to myself.

Yes, I know its silly...

But you take 'happy' wherever you may find it.

Copper

Unattainable

There are certain situations that, if awarded the opportunity, a person would truly give all they had inside of them to make that situation become a lifestyle.

Sounds almost simplistic in nature, but none the less true. You would cherish each moment in its entirety. When you have a craving from deep within your core, a permanent ache, you are consumed with desire. When you have caught fleeting glimpses of the feeling that you so long for it causes an obsession to develop. Like a drug, you are constantly seeking that initial high. The pain is almost pleasant in that it is a constant reminder of what you had and how desperately you want it to be yours.

How does it feel to know that that which you want so badly is out of your reach? Even if just slightly . Sometimes it can be so close you can taste it. Maybe your fingertips can occasionally graze the object of your beloved obsession lightly, but never able to grasp and hold on.

But somehow, you keep reaching, stretching, pushing the limits of relationships and your imagination. Your soul is restless. Hoping beyond hope that somehow, someway, you will find peace.

Copper

I'll just wear mine

I was thinking about life the other night and a strange analogy occurred to me. I thought I would share it with the women here. Men you still may learn something so please continue.

Let us pretend for a moment that we live in a world far different from the what we accustomed to. Lets ponder the clothes you are wearing now. For illustrative sake we will say it is a dress. Let's also say that, during life here, that each woman is awarded one dress, just one. Now some will get ball gowns, some sun dresses, some a plain single color sheath, but each has theirs, and only theirs, to wear.

I would say that you would protect your dress from all stain and soil. You would reinforce the seams often, making them resist the stress of everyday wear and tear. You would want to keep it as clean and presentable as you could.

Now imagine, for a moment, that you get a hole torn in the dress from a struggle one day. You moved the wrong way and it just happened. It would hurt, wouldn't it? You would try to think up all sorts of ways to put it back like it was, but it can never be exactly the same. So you begin to think of was to handle the pain.

You could try to take someone elses dress, but even if you could wrestle it away from them, it would never quite fit right and you would live with a feeling of guilt from then on.

You could stitch it up alone, it would close the hold. There would always be a scar with frayed edges. The cool air would seep in occasionally to remind you not to make that move, lest the same thing repeat itself.

You could borrow bits and pieces from friends and quilt a patch for the hole. It covers well, and you feel warmer, but somewhere underneath, you will always remember it was there, it just don't bother you much anymore.

Lastly, you could strip off the dress and walk around bearing all, risking everything. It will be refreshing and fun, but eventually, you will get uncomfortable, and seek out your old comfy, warn in, fits you perfect, dress.

I think i will just be proud of my dress, open gaps, large quilted areas, jagged lines where I have tried to fix myself without help. I am proud of my rips and stains.

At least I have lived!

Copper

When I grow up

I want to be Cinderella! That was my 8 year old answer to growing up. I was a spoiled child. Not rotten in need of a swift kick in the ass. I was made walk the line. I have mentioned before that I was raised in Free Will Baptist household. We were at the church every time the doors were opened. I had chores and responsibilities... but I was spoiled too. I am an adopted only child. Makes for a special kid. I was wanted, chosen and planned for. Since I was so darn special, my parents wanted to give me everything my little heart desired. It was an enchanted life. So it makes sense that to me growing up to live life like a fairytale was certainly plausible. I expected the ease and gentleness of my parents house to simply flow over into mine when adulthood dawned. Their perfect marriage, bills always paid, check book in the black. I expected to take family vacations with my children, and I expected it all to just somehow... happen.

I have had to build my life like the rest of the world. I was not ushered to the door of my home in a carriage fashioned from a pumpkin. I have learned to accept the struggles as learning experiences. The kids and I have eaten many potato chip and whatever is in the cabinet" casseroles. We have had garage sales at our Secion 8 housing apartment to buy gasoline. Over time I have been blessed to be able to establish a life for my children and I, we are doing quite well now.

This past CHRISTmas I was very proud of the spread I was able to put underneath the tree. There were actually gifts worth more than few dollars and many of them. I watched with anticipation as they tore through the paper and ribbon. They were pleased, and i was too. I felt it was one of the best CHRISTmas' we had had so far.

A few weeks ago I mentioned to my son that I felt this way, He is 14 going on 20 and sometimes the thimgs that he says really throw me for a loop. This was one of those times. He ponders what I said for only a second then says "know what mom?" "I think the best CHRISTmas' were the ones where we really didn't have much but each other." "It made everything small feel so big!"

Guess I am doing something right!

Copper

Sticky Situation

This happened to me about a month ago. Leave it to me, eh? A few of my friends have heard this story in short form but i felt it was worth sharing.





If you have been here before then it should not come as a shock to you that I frequent the local adult novelty store. They have really cute jewelry there and you know I love the exotic heels they sell! (I am certain that i will be compared to a man with his "i just read those magazines for the articles" line for that one) But seriously, I don't make a B-line to the hot pink-'feels like real skin'-powerful vibration section! I like to look at the stuff in the front of the store too!





So the other day I pass by the store on the way home from work and the sign out front said:

!NEW SHIPMENT JUST ARRIVED!

PANDORA COLLECTION

CHECK IT OUT TODAY

I'm not too tired and I am curious to know what Pandora collected. I pull up and park. Of course I'm still wearing what I did to the office, black dress slacks, red sweater and black stilettos. It would have never occurred to me that I would look like anything other than a simple office worker with a touch of style. You will see why this is important as you read on.

I pick up my purse and drop my keys inside then walk in casually. To the left there are some very adorable bra and panty sets that catch my eye immediately. As begin flipping through them. Nothing I can't live without.

As I continue to walk around the store I see that the lady behind the counter is watching me quite intently. Does she think I am gonna steal something? Surely not. As I get closer to the counter she steps from behind it and approaches me. She pretty, a bit portly but carries it well. Nice smile but needs to leave the knits alone and go with a much more structured ensemble.

Then one of the strangest conversations I have ever had begins. She asks how I was doing, I reply in the typical nonchalant way. She tells me she has something that just arrived that I will love and would love amazing on me. The Pandora Collection? I was slightly excited. I follow her to the far side of the counter where she produces a small silver box. Hmm. She tells me that I could wear these to work and everyone would love them. I am thinking some sexy rhinestone earrings. Not quite.

Pasties! Nice ones, I have to give her that. They are silver and have dangling gemstones. Woulda made a killer pair of earrings!

Then I think... wait... she thinks I am a stripper! Not that its a bad gig, I hear there is plenty of money to be made. I just never tried it. But why does the think this? Is it the way I am dressed? I am not lude or inappropriate.

It concerns me that she would automatically assume anything at all about me. A good sales person asks questions about the customer before making an offer of any product. I explained to her that she was incorrect about my profession, as politely as I could, thinking that was the end of that.

But wait...

this woman does not get it!

She says, still smiling: But you DO do this on the side don't you?

Unbelievable!

Copper

The Kitchen Table

... is where i sit. I think I need to pop the top on the single beer i have left. He has been chilling in the old Kelvinator down in the basement for about a week now. Its been a pleasant week at work and I really have not felt the urge to indulge. Surely due to part of me still being in Heaven. I have a feeling that there will always be a part of me that is. Like a VCR with a tape trapped inside, i replay that magical night over and over again.


The dogs are play fighting in the living room. The two huge Labs shake the floor and make the basement echo their thumps throughout the otherwise silent house. So do I consume my friend or let him wait it out? Its almost eight. But what do I have to loose. I am sure I will go to bed shorty anyway. Why not...


I noticed that alot of my friends here are gone now. Oh, there are a few still around. Sporadic posts. But who am I to talk huh? Sometimes life gets in the way of itself. Hopefully there will be a few float back in on the wings of change to report some wonderful news one day.

Their absence has left a void in my readers. But who am I here to please anyway? Its not like I will ever do this for a living. Although I would love to, I do not possess the necessary talent to be a writer. But I love to write!

I noticed that I have received a few comments from a couple of new readers. I went perusing through blogs last night and found a few I really liked. For any of you that decided to return tonight and possibly drink from the well that is Copper... WELCOME!

I mean that in the most sincere of ways. You truly are welcome here anytime. You may leave comments, rant or whatever you like. If for some reason you desire my twisted opinion on any subject, feel free to ask.


So good friends i will leave you to descend the stairs to the basement. My friend is calling...

Copper

Heaven

I experienced a night in Heaven.

It was an explosion of passion that shook the world inside of me as it had never been shook before.

I was taken in by a pair of soulful eyes and a New York accent. I melted. I succumbed to the rhythm of his bittersweet swagger.

He called to me. I arrived, nervous. I had been with him before but not like this. This was much different. The air was thick with desire. He lay undressed and lay down before me. He was a beautiful man. Built like Solomon, he was almost intimidating. I approached, slipped off my dress and rose up to embrace my trembling body. His hands, Oh his hands! They slid from my shoulders to my waist to my hips.

He pulled me down beside him. Has he caressed my breast his other hand explored me. I was drenched in desire as he whispered in my ear that he was so pleased that i came to his side. As he entered me electricity coursed through my body leaving my fingertips numb. He filled me. He was so deep inside of me i am certain he touched parts of me that had never been reached before. I was consumed with pleasure as was he.

We continued this dance together for hours. Stopping to rest then beginning again with more fever than the time before. We consumed each others passion until we were strangely both empty and full.

Only then did we lay together to truly rest. My head on his strong chest, his arm around me. We lay in the silence. The cool air from the open window above felt alive on my moist nude body. This is what Heaven must feel like. It was the kind of contented calm that fills one with peace. He played in my hair until we both fell deep asleep.

In the morning he told me it felt as a dream. I concurred. I did not want it to be over, but reality rises with the morning sun. We kissed once more. I felt a tear escape my eye as I turned to leave.

We vowed to come back to each others arms again one day.

I can only hope, dream and remember ... Heaven.

I'm with stupid

I love children. I really do. I would never want to say an unkind word to a child. But let me TELL you about my nephew. He is a cute kid. The round chubby type that you can't help but love but sometimes you would rather chew on aluminium foil than be in the same room a second longer. He's whiny. Cries way two often to be twelve, but as you will see, he does not really function on a twelve year old level either. I don't believe he has a learning disability, or I would not be writing this. He's just a little... peculiar.

His parents are divorced. Typical setup, mom and dad switch off days/weeks as to who gets him from school, soccer etc. So the other day he was waiting for the bus and must have been kicking rocks around in the parking lot or jamming a paper clip through an eraser because he missed the bus. No big deal right? Happens all the time. The kid is supposed to just walk over and tell a teacher, teacher calls parent, parent picks up kid. Easy. Not this kid. No he just sits around until all the buses leave then goes and sits in the playground.

Mom thinks dad picked him up. He does this sometimes. He usually calls but, no worries, its cool.

Somewhere around 11pm a police officer rolls through the school campus. Just checkin things out. Routine. He sees the kid. Kid's just sittin there smiling.

Officer: Hey kid. What are you doing here? Where are your parents?

Kid: I missed the bus. I guess they are at home.

Officer: You missed the bus and you did not tell anyone? Well that was not real smart, but lets get you home. Come on, get in. What's your name kid?

Kid: Scott.

Officer: Ok, Scott. Where do you live?

Kid: That way. (points up street)

Officer: Ok I am going to need a little more information from you. What is your address?

Kid: I don't know

Officer: You don't know your address?

Kid: No.

Officer: You have got to be kidding me! How old are you kid?!

Kid: Twelve.

Officer: You are twelve years old and you don't know your address? Do you know what street? Do you know your phone number?

Kid: No but i think i might be able to tell you how to get there if you drive. I never have to use my address so i don't know it and my momma always dials my daddy for me.

This is a true story! After about 2 hours of driving around he finally recognizes my house as being his aunts. At least that is what Officer Stamey tells me.

I drive the kid home. He continues to tell me he does not know his name or telephone number!

To the other woman...

Now I may be a relentless bitch. I may be selfish, conniving, or crooked, but i am NOT a home wrecker. I have, however, found myself in numerous unfavorable positions and here is a record of one. Lets explore:





In my humble opinion, if a man an woman are married. Tied in the bonds of Holy Matrimony, in legal wedlock, then both are off limits and otherwise unattainable.





Be that as it may, if you are a unmarried person, in a committed relationship, if you, yourself, make the decision to stray, then let it be. Now you will most likely find yourself dealing with some extreme drama for a few months as you mutually decide the fate of the leftover relationship scraps, but it was your decision to make. You must handle it the best way you know how.





That said, should you find yourself in a position of being the one that picks up some stray, be aware that the owner may eventually come 'round looking for that pet. There are many ways to handle this situation. Some time ago I had the opportunity to express myself in a way that all of us 'other women' have wanted to do so badly in the past.



My apologies in advance.









The phone rings:





A private number! We all know what that means! (cue intense music)





Copper: Hello





Caller: Who is this!!??





Copper: Umm... who is this? You called me!





Caller: I want to know why your number is in my man's phone!! Who are you? What's your name? Why you be callin Tyrell fo? You better step back off my baby daddy!





Copper: Wow! Excuse me. I was unaware people actually talked like that. I am sorry to hear that it has upset you to find my number in Tyrell's phone but he obviously put it there, not me, so i believe you have the wrong person on the line.



Caller: I got the right person bitch!



Copper: Ok, let me ask you a question? Have you ever owned a dog? I'll just answer for you and say yes. So you know that with a dog you can train it and feed it and show it all kinds of love and affection and if you do all those things that dog is going to want to stay by your side. He is going to want to protect you. He will be there when everyone else is gone.



Caller: Ok and?! Whats your point?



Copper: Well, you see, if you start to neglect that dog, pay no attention to his excitement when you come home. If you start to pet other dogs, hell maybe even a cat or two in the neighborhood, then your dog is going to turn on you. As soon as he sees the front door open he is going to dart out and run away. Looks like you neglected you dog. So like I said, you got the wrong person. The problem is YOU!



Copper

Stop and Stare

I have a new job. well actually i have been here about 8months now. I have been wanting to start coming back here regularly for a long time. Life gets in the way. There has been so so much. Nearly lost my house... twice! God is good! Saved it both times. The Grand Asshole is still around. Less and less though. I can finally see the plague beginning to dry up.

So new job = new characters. Lets begin.

We should set the stage first.

Curtains open to a large call center floor; a greyblue sea of carpet and cubicles. Smells of weak coffee and chicken wings. A rummage sale of people and personalities. There are so many conversations being had at once it becomes a hum of voices. You begin to pick up bits like "ma'am you have not paid anything in four months! Why do you think you don't have service?" and "...for only 14.95 per month, you can add this service today!"

So here we are, who are our players?



Random : She is just that. RANDOM. You can count on her for something out of the blue that makes you crack up. Cute girl. Quite ghetto. But probably good at heart.

Mr. Amazing : I want to taste him! Have a feeling he may be a topic to further embellish upon later but for now just know this is a prime piece of work. I have had nothing more than a few beers with him but...

Yellow Rose : I love her. We were instant friends. Very atypical for the both of us. Probably he reason we get along so well.

Madam : ... is the shit! She is freaking hilarious. Sometimes I actually have to mute customers because I am laughing so hard. She has been working here "since the earth cooled" (her words) and knows almost everything about the job. She can put someone in their place faster than anyone I have ever met.

SO there are a few. There are so so many more.

I will get there soon enough.

Copper

RoLLeR CoASteR

UPDATE Again...:)

First thank you to those few that still come here to check up on me once in a while. Its really nice to know that God gives you a support system where you don't expect it

Well I am now unemployed! Well sort of. I was laid off. I have however found a new job in a completely different field (post on that later) and I start July. Been off since April. So those of you out there that Believe please pray that God lets me keep my house... Money has been tight.

Speaking of that Unemployment Compensation SUCKS!! $269 per week... 670mo. mortgage... HMMM...

So, lets see. What would you want me to tell you so that I can get back to the real writing? If I don't properly update you then most of my posts will seem like jibberish.

Well the Grand Asshole still lives with me. He is threatening to leave me if I don't marry him. HMMM X 2, wonder how that will play out... Guess we shall see together.

Men, men and men...

So many posts need to be written about this topic. Things have changed, mare questions have arose. I have many questions. From deep soul melting questions to weird, sometimes gross, sexual questions. We will have to work up to those.

I have new neighbors! They are pretty great. But last night they were up at 4 am doing something that sounded like dragging sheet metal across pavement. It was... interesting.

I have to sneak to write now because if the Grand Asshole ever caught me writing this it would be all over for me. Luckily i should have time to write due he having what I believe is a girlfriend that he spends most of his time with these days. I wish she would just go on and put it on him so he would go be with her. Wow, what a concept !

More soon

And I will be trying to read up on everyone who still comments or has recently.

Love you all

Copper

Beautiful Revisit (and for Chewy)

I took this last year in my back yard. I was impressed by both the bloom and my amature photo!

Copper

Yesterday I Cried

A friend shared this book with me. Below you will find a poem from this book. It seems to embody the change that has come over me lately, it expresses the feeling of a new beginning that I am so longing for and that I EXPECT!

I hope you feel it too...

Yesterday I Cried

I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed, kicked off my shoes,

unhooked my bra, and I had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you,

I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.

I cried until my ears were hot.

I cried until my head was hurting so bad that I could hardly see the pile of

soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand,

I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, and all the ways,

and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and

disconnected my Self from myself,

only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others did to

me the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;

for all the things I had asked for

that had yet to show up;

for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away,

to people in circumstances,

which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;

and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;

and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;

and mommies get left, so they get mad.

I cried because I had a little boy,

and because I was a little girl,

and because I was a mommy who

didn't know what to do,

and because I wanted my daddy to be there for me so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried because I hurt.

I cried because I was hurt.

I cried because hurt has no place to go except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first

place,and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late.

I cried because it was time.

I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know

that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.

It felt so very, very bad.

In the midst of my crying,

I felt my freedom coming,

Because Yesterday,

I cried with an agenda.

(Iyanla Vanzant,from her book Yesterday I Cried:Celebrating the Lessons of Living and Loving)

Making my escape

Been a while huh?

I have missed this place. Funny how it gives me a sense of nostalgia. A few of my friends here have been asking me why I have not been writing. I guess that I could make the usual 'work' excuses, and they would be valid, but why make excuses?

I turned 30 last month. I have found that there are quite a few things that I make excuses for that I no longer wish to excuse. I no longer wish to have these things in my life, period.

I am making my escape. I am escaping all of the pain, disrespect and aggravation that I have so long endured.

I wish that I knew a way to make it happen fast, like removing a band-aid, but I have been an enabler for so long that my compassion for (his) feeling is thwarting my efforts.

A am accepting any advice on how to end a 7 year relationship and remove him from MY home ASAP!

Be back later today!

Copper

Why 5 year olds should not drive

So here is the scoop.

Right before Christmas my kids and I went out to pick up a few things at the local buck store. I just wanted some sugar, swiffer refills and a bottle of clear nail polish. We had been in the store for about 30 minutes. It had been a long day at the office and I was really ready to just go home, but my son kept pestering me to go back down the Christmas decoration isle. It was really out of character for me to give in to his begging, but I did. In retrospect, I now see it as Devine Intervention. You will see why, keep reading.

So we walk back down the isle. It takes a total of 45 seconds, max. But those 45 seconds may have saved my daughters life and my ability to walk!

We head to the check out line. You know how when you are standing in line and someone behind you starts up a a conversation? Sometimes I communicate and on occasion I give them a one-liner and turn my attention to the magazines or act as if the candy stand its the most enthralling thing that I have laid my eyes on in months. Well this time it was a young, almost frail looking pregnant woman. She makes some comment about "kids" and I reply lightly. I not really in the mood, but I humor her for the moment. When I have paid for my items, I grab my bag and my daughter's hand. My son follows suit.

We are walking through the sliding glass doors and approach the parking lot. As we emerge, I see a 80's economy van pointing towards us, just about 5 feet from the side walk. I look into the driver's seat and see a little boy in a red pullover. My first thought is that some little boy was sitting on his grampa's lap, pretending to drive. I wish I had been right. It only takes a moment for me to realize that my first thought is so not the case. About the time I come to this realization, the little boy floors it. I am thankful that the van was in reverse, because he would have flattened all three of us, but it was still not good news.

He rams into the back of my car. Hitting the trunk, and bouncing off to hit the car next to me in the bumper.

I want to pause her and explain why the 45 seconds became so important. If my son had not persuaded me to stay in the store, I would have been putting my bag into the trunk. My daughter, who never leaves my side in public, would have been hit for sure. So thank God for working through my son to intervene in the situation.

Now back to the story.

The van is now rocking against the car next to mine because of the torque that those vans have. My daughter screams, I tell my son to grab his sister and run inside and find someone.

Out of concern for the boy and other in the parking lot, I run over to the van in true hero style. I jerk open the door (unlocked of course) and slam it into park. Now I turn around, and what do I see, not just 1 boy, but 3. The red pullover boy and his two younger brothers strapped in car seats.

About this time guess who comes running out of the store? The frail looking pregnant girl. She come over to the van apologising and saying, Did it hurt your car? I say: "Why don't you check on your 3 kids. I will look at my car."

Once I get a run down from the mother, she says that she thought it was too cold to get the kids out and she just ran in to get diapers.

Get this logic: She felt that the cool weather was more of a threat than leaving 3 young kids unattended in a running vehicle with the doors unlocked!! Wonder what will happen when she is responsible for 4 kids?

WOW!!

Copper

Good News! I'm not dead!

Hello everyone!

Been a while, but i wanted to drop by to say hi! I have been so very busy at work. Seems like it comes in waves. But I miss releasing my frustrations here. Lets get caught up:

I am still working at the same agency, and have not changed job titles, amazingly enough!

I am still with the same creep that I have been dating. I really wish I could report a change in status here, but alas, no knight in shining armor has appeared on my door step to save me.

The Porcelain Doll is still intact, although I am still waiting for the inevitable crack, I am becoming impatient.

My car got hit by a 5 year old driving his mom's van, while I was innocently parked in a parking lot. Yes this really happened!! And I watched. I will write the whole story soon.

I am awaiting my tax refund, I hope to get caught up on a few little bills and have money left to buy more shoes! I am feel that I am neglecting myself.

I heard from my "old friend" recently. He has yet to get married, but it is imminent. It still breaks my heart, and makes me doubt the entire concept of love, but nonetheless, I know that his decisions are right, and I am selfish. (Hell, at least I can admit it!)

The Red Heifer is now the Director of the agency that I left. So she basically took my old job. I guess she and Big Momma finally got the outcome that they were wanting! I will have to write about this one too. Its a doozy!

Well that should be enough to wet your mouth for me again, hopefully!

I know my posts have been, and may still be few and far between, but I want to thank all those who check me out when I do find time to write. Not to push, but you could subscribe to my feed so you would be alerted when I crawl out from under my rock!

Love you all!!

Copper