Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I'm with stupid


I love children. I really do. I would never want to say an unkind word to a child. But let me TELL you about my nephew. He is a cute kid. The round chubby type that you can't help but love but sometimes you would rather chew on aluminium foil than be in the same room a second longer. He's whiny. Cries way two often to be twelve, but as you will see, he does not really function on a twelve year old level either. I don't believe he has a learning disability, or I would not be writing this. He's just a little... peculiar.


His parents are divorced. Typical setup, mom and dad switch off days/weeks as to who gets him from school, soccer etc. So the other day he was waiting for the bus and must have been kicking rocks around in the parking lot or jamming a paper clip through an eraser because he missed the bus. No big deal right? Happens all the time. The kid is supposed to just walk over and tell a teacher, teacher calls parent, parent picks up kid. Easy. Not this kid. No he just sits around until all the buses leave then goes and sits in the playground.


Mom thinks dad picked him up. He does this sometimes. He usually calls but, no worries, its cool.


Somewhere around 11pm a police officer rolls through the school campus. Just checkin things out. Routine. He sees the kid. Kid's just sittin there smiling.


Officer: Hey kid. What are you doing here? Where are your parents?


Kid: I missed the bus. I guess they are at home.


Officer: You missed the bus and you did not tell anyone? Well that was not real smart, but lets get you home. Come on, get in. What's your name kid?


Kid: Scott.


Officer: Ok, Scott. Where do you live?


Kid: That way. (points up street)


Officer: Ok I am going to need a little more information from you. What is your address?


Kid: I don't know


Officer: You don't know your address?


Kid: No.


Officer: You have got to be kidding me! How old are you kid?!


Kid: Twelve.


Officer: You are twelve years old and you don't know your address? Do you know what street? Do you know your phone number?


Kid: No but i think i might be able to tell you how to get there if you drive. I never have to use my address so i don't know it and my momma always dials my daddy for me.


This is a true story! After about 2 hours of driving around he finally recognizes my house as being his aunts. At least that is what Officer Stamey tells me.


I drive the kid home. He continues to tell me he does not know his name or telephone number!




Monday, February 15, 2010

To the other woman...

Now I may be a relentless bitch. I may be selfish, conniving, or crooked, but i am NOT a home wrecker. I have, however, found myself in numerous unfavorable positions and here is a record of one. Lets explore:





In my humble opinion, if a man an woman are married. Tied in the bonds of Holy Matrimony, in legal wedlock, then both are off limits and otherwise unattainable.





Be that as it may, if you are a unmarried person, in a committed relationship, if you, yourself, make the decision to stray, then let it be. Now you will most likely find yourself dealing with some extreme drama for a few months as you mutually decide the fate of the leftover relationship scraps, but it was your decision to make. You must handle it the best way you know how.





That said, should you find yourself in a position of being the one that picks up some stray, be aware that the owner may eventually come 'round looking for that pet. There are many ways to handle this situation. Some time ago I had the opportunity to express myself in a way that all of us 'other women' have wanted to do so badly in the past.



My apologies in advance.









The phone rings:





A private number! We all know what that means! (cue intense music)





Copper: Hello





Caller: Who is this!!??





Copper: Umm... who is this? You called me!





Caller: I want to know why your number is in my man's phone!! Who are you? What's your name? Why you be callin Tyrell fo? You better step back off my baby daddy!





Copper: Wow! Excuse me. I was unaware people actually talked like that. I am sorry to hear that it has upset you to find my number in Tyrell's phone but he obviously put it there, not me, so i believe you have the wrong person on the line.



Caller: I got the right person bitch!



Copper: Ok, let me ask you a question? Have you ever owned a dog? I'll just answer for you and say yes. So you know that with a dog you can train it and feed it and show it all kinds of love and affection and if you do all those things that dog is going to want to stay by your side. He is going to want to protect you. He will be there when everyone else is gone.



Caller: Ok and?! Whats your point?



Copper: Well, you see, if you start to neglect that dog, pay no attention to his excitement when you come home. If you start to pet other dogs, hell maybe even a cat or two in the neighborhood, then your dog is going to turn on you. As soon as he sees the front door open he is going to dart out and run away. Looks like you neglected you dog. So like I said, you got the wrong person. The problem is YOU!



Copper

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Stop and Stare


I have a new job. well actually i have been here about 8months now. I have been wanting to start coming back here regularly for a long time. Life gets in the way. There has been so so much. Nearly lost my house... twice! God is good! Saved it both times. The Grand Asshole is still around. Less and less though. I can finally see the plague beginning to dry up.

So new job = new characters. Lets begin.

We should set the stage first.

Curtains open to a large call center floor; a greyblue sea of carpet and cubicles. Smells of weak coffee and chicken wings. A rummage sale of people and personalities. There are so many conversations being had at once it becomes a hum of voices. You begin to pick up bits like "ma'am you have not paid anything in four months! Why do you think you don't have service?" and "...for only 14.95 per month, you can add this service today!"

So here we are, who are our players?



Random : She is just that. RANDOM. You can count on her for something out of the blue that makes you crack up. Cute girl. Quite ghetto. But probably good at heart.

Mr. Amazing : I want to taste him! Have a feeling he may be a topic to further embellish upon later but for now just know this is a prime piece of work. I have had nothing more than a few beers with him but...

Yellow Rose : I love her. We were instant friends. Very atypical for the both of us. Probably he reason we get along so well.

Madam : ... is the shit! She is freaking hilarious. Sometimes I actually have to mute customers because I am laughing so hard. She has been working here "since the earth cooled" (her words) and knows almost everything about the job. She can put someone in their place faster than anyone I have ever met.

SO there are a few. There are so so many more.

I will get there soon enough.

Copper