It don't mean shit now...

I want to apologise in advance for the explosion of rants that i am about to have on this page...

The person behind the words has been trying to heal, and has kept Copper in the solitary confinement of my psyche. But just as any good alter-ego should, Copper knew just when to induce a personality split and come clawing to the surface to rescue the weak woman who plays author to Copper's voice...

Lets us commence...

MEN: A constant source of new and entertaining ways to torture my soul.

So after the final (hopefully) removal of The Grand Asshole from my life, I began to move towards something similar to a normal life, if there truly is such a thing. I have broken patterns that I never thought I would be able to break. I still have a touch of PTSD but I have developed new skills. I can shop in the daytime, I can go out to the club at night and not look over my shoulder, and evidently i can do one other thing: I can let my guard down with a mother fucking, cheating-ass man!

So a little while after the GA's exodus, a good friend of mine introduced me to a guy she had known for a little while. She told me he had recently gotten out of a relationship too and might be fun to just hang out with.

We met, and over time began to hang out quite frequently. Yea, we had sex. We had fucking awesome sex. He's nice and twisted like Copper and he knew how to do mama right. But it was what it was and we were both cool with that. We never mentioned love or relationships, it simply was not what we were about. He knew i was out doin' me when we were not together, just like he was, and when we would hook up, it was bangin'... moving furniture and having to mop the floor afterward type bangin'!

So we chilled like this for about 2 years, and over time, we became pretty tight. I trusted him and we talked about everything. Other men, what causes relationships to fail, why women trip over stupid shit, etc. He was my "key-guy". You know, the person that you trust enough to hold a key to your house and car in case you get locked out. He had met my kids, so rare for me. So needless to say, i really thought i knew all the important things about the guy.

Well, as it turns out, I had been left in the dark about one very important detail:

 HE HAS HAD A GIRLFRIEND THE ENTIRE TIME

Imagine my shock to find out that I have been the fucking other woman! The "extra", "ace in the hole", or "number 2".  A surprisingly well kept secret, considering the amount of times we have been out, just chillin' together.So degrading, it makes me sick to my stomach to thing that i was parading around town with someone else's man. Bless her heart, i guess she has not clue that we had had sex, outside of my car, in the parking lot of the apartment that they share. Regularly.  I can't believe that this young kat has gotten one over on me so damn well.. I never suspected a thing. I really don't know why he would wait until 2 years in to sit on my bed and simply inform me of this fact. He claims he thought that I knew when we met and that i just chose to not bring it up. And he was starting to maybe think differently towards me and suddenly realized that i did not know the real deal.

Well..now.

Let's be real here. Had he told me from the jump I would have definitely played the situation quite differently, but it would have only changed some of the outcome. Yes, we may have still had sex, unfortunate but true. (Sorry if that offends anyone but like is said, we are being real and I know many of you feel me, so don't hate) But i would not have allowed him to know many intimate secrets that i can not remove from his memory. I would not have spent so much time with him, and I know this is twisted, but out of respect for his girl. A random hook up is different than keeping soap, shoes and a change of clothes at my place.

SO .. now i am left feeling foolish and rather pissed. I don't know how to handle the remaining shards of this odd relationship. Truth is, i am used to having him available, since he is the absolute only friend that I have that lives in the town I live in... all my other friends live where i work or out of state. I would miss the companionship. But I can't help but to feel terribly used..

Copper