Yesterday I Cried

A friend shared this book with me. Below you will find a poem from this book. It seems to embody the change that has come over me lately, it expresses the feeling of a new beginning that I am so longing for and that I EXPECT!

I hope you feel it too...

Yesterday I Cried

I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed, kicked off my shoes,

unhooked my bra, and I had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you,

I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.

I cried until my ears were hot.

I cried until my head was hurting so bad that I could hardly see the pile of

soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand,

I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, and all the ways,

and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and

disconnected my Self from myself,

only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others did to

me the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;

for all the things I had asked for

that had yet to show up;

for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away,

to people in circumstances,

which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;

and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;

and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;

and mommies get left, so they get mad.

I cried because I had a little boy,

and because I was a little girl,

and because I was a mommy who

didn't know what to do,

and because I wanted my daddy to be there for me so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried because I hurt.

I cried because I was hurt.

I cried because hurt has no place to go except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first

place,and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late.

I cried because it was time.

I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know

that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.

It felt so very, very bad.

In the midst of my crying,

I felt my freedom coming,

Because Yesterday,

I cried with an agenda.

(Iyanla Vanzant,from her book Yesterday I Cried:Celebrating the Lessons of Living and Loving)

Making my escape

Been a while huh?

I have missed this place. Funny how it gives me a sense of nostalgia. A few of my friends here have been asking me why I have not been writing. I guess that I could make the usual 'work' excuses, and they would be valid, but why make excuses?

I turned 30 last month. I have found that there are quite a few things that I make excuses for that I no longer wish to excuse. I no longer wish to have these things in my life, period.

I am making my escape. I am escaping all of the pain, disrespect and aggravation that I have so long endured.

I wish that I knew a way to make it happen fast, like removing a band-aid, but I have been an enabler for so long that my compassion for (his) feeling is thwarting my efforts.

A am accepting any advice on how to end a 7 year relationship and remove him from MY home ASAP!

Be back later today!

Copper

Why 5 year olds should not drive

So here is the scoop.

Right before Christmas my kids and I went out to pick up a few things at the local buck store. I just wanted some sugar, swiffer refills and a bottle of clear nail polish. We had been in the store for about 30 minutes. It had been a long day at the office and I was really ready to just go home, but my son kept pestering me to go back down the Christmas decoration isle. It was really out of character for me to give in to his begging, but I did. In retrospect, I now see it as Devine Intervention. You will see why, keep reading.

So we walk back down the isle. It takes a total of 45 seconds, max. But those 45 seconds may have saved my daughters life and my ability to walk!

We head to the check out line. You know how when you are standing in line and someone behind you starts up a a conversation? Sometimes I communicate and on occasion I give them a one-liner and turn my attention to the magazines or act as if the candy stand its the most enthralling thing that I have laid my eyes on in months. Well this time it was a young, almost frail looking pregnant woman. She makes some comment about "kids" and I reply lightly. I not really in the mood, but I humor her for the moment. When I have paid for my items, I grab my bag and my daughter's hand. My son follows suit.

We are walking through the sliding glass doors and approach the parking lot. As we emerge, I see a 80's economy van pointing towards us, just about 5 feet from the side walk. I look into the driver's seat and see a little boy in a red pullover. My first thought is that some little boy was sitting on his grampa's lap, pretending to drive. I wish I had been right. It only takes a moment for me to realize that my first thought is so not the case. About the time I come to this realization, the little boy floors it. I am thankful that the van was in reverse, because he would have flattened all three of us, but it was still not good news.

He rams into the back of my car. Hitting the trunk, and bouncing off to hit the car next to me in the bumper.

I want to pause her and explain why the 45 seconds became so important. If my son had not persuaded me to stay in the store, I would have been putting my bag into the trunk. My daughter, who never leaves my side in public, would have been hit for sure. So thank God for working through my son to intervene in the situation.

Now back to the story.

The van is now rocking against the car next to mine because of the torque that those vans have. My daughter screams, I tell my son to grab his sister and run inside and find someone.

Out of concern for the boy and other in the parking lot, I run over to the van in true hero style. I jerk open the door (unlocked of course) and slam it into park. Now I turn around, and what do I see, not just 1 boy, but 3. The red pullover boy and his two younger brothers strapped in car seats.

About this time guess who comes running out of the store? The frail looking pregnant girl. She come over to the van apologising and saying, Did it hurt your car? I say: "Why don't you check on your 3 kids. I will look at my car."

Once I get a run down from the mother, she says that she thought it was too cold to get the kids out and she just ran in to get diapers.

Get this logic: She felt that the cool weather was more of a threat than leaving 3 young kids unattended in a running vehicle with the doors unlocked!! Wonder what will happen when she is responsible for 4 kids?

WOW!!

Copper

Good News! I'm not dead!

Hello everyone!

Been a while, but i wanted to drop by to say hi! I have been so very busy at work. Seems like it comes in waves. But I miss releasing my frustrations here. Lets get caught up:

I am still working at the same agency, and have not changed job titles, amazingly enough!

I am still with the same creep that I have been dating. I really wish I could report a change in status here, but alas, no knight in shining armor has appeared on my door step to save me.

The Porcelain Doll is still intact, although I am still waiting for the inevitable crack, I am becoming impatient.

My car got hit by a 5 year old driving his mom's van, while I was innocently parked in a parking lot. Yes this really happened!! And I watched. I will write the whole story soon.

I am awaiting my tax refund, I hope to get caught up on a few little bills and have money left to buy more shoes! I am feel that I am neglecting myself.

I heard from my "old friend" recently. He has yet to get married, but it is imminent. It still breaks my heart, and makes me doubt the entire concept of love, but nonetheless, I know that his decisions are right, and I am selfish. (Hell, at least I can admit it!)

The Red Heifer is now the Director of the agency that I left. So she basically took my old job. I guess she and Big Momma finally got the outcome that they were wanting! I will have to write about this one too. Its a doozy!

Well that should be enough to wet your mouth for me again, hopefully!

I know my posts have been, and may still be few and far between, but I want to thank all those who check me out when I do find time to write. Not to push, but you could subscribe to my feed so you would be alerted when I crawl out from under my rock!

Love you all!!

Copper