Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Action to Reaction


If I was to get philosophical for a moment, would you bare with me? I am in an odd place today. Almost as if I were outside, looking in on myself and, well life, in general. I wonder what makes people do the things that they do. Obviously, and all you psych majors out there can correct me if I have forgotten some key element here, everything the we do is seeking a reaction of some sort. Whether good or bad, still we are seeking a reaction. The way that we dress, speak, look at others, etc. All seeking reactions. Sometimes we do things just to annoy or anger someone, we even seek revenge in certain situations.

Reactions… so what reactions am I seeking? I want my children to become strong Christian adults, with will to succeed. I want my dog to be bigger and stronger than all the others on the block. I want my car to smell like Blunt Power every day of the week.
www.bluntpower.com, for all those curious. When I get dressed each day, I am seeking the reaction of “damn that is one tough bitch”! I suppose that if I had to make a list of wants and needs and then balance them with my actions, I would find that I am focused on myself most often. I like to be the center of attention. I enjoy competition with other females. I assume that stems from my Beauty Queen days, but I thrive on it, none the less.

But that’s all small scale. What about the big picture? What are my large ticket ‘items of life’? I am doing this on the fly, but let me try to wrap my mind around this:

Copper’s List of “Life Items Needed”

A house of my own, in my name only, using only my credit. DONE
A job where I feel valued and the compensation is enough to get me out of this living month to month rut. IN PROGRESS
A car that does not screech when I start it in cold weather and the A/C works. Guess this one will have to wait, due to the fulfillment of #1. NOT YET
A man who will respect me for who I am and love me, including all of my flaws, unconditionally. This man will also have to have an unfaltering commitment to me, and me only. This is probably the most far fetched item on the list, due to the fact that I am unsure that this person even exists. I suppose that it is possible, I may have even met this person on the street and maybe spoken a kind word or friendly hello. But how do I ever find my way back to him? This one will have to be left up to God to orchestrate. Heaven knows I’ve had no luck on my own! NOT YET/(even possible?)
My children to not deposit me in a Nursing Home in my old age. I am attempting to combat this one by giving them all the love, attention and affection as possible, in hopes that I will receive the same care when Alzheimer’s kicks in. IN PROGRESS

So are my actions actually seeking my desired reactions? Or am I completely misguiding myself? I believe I am headed somewhere, I just have no idea where. Guess we’ll find out together.

Monday, February 12, 2007

You can be lonely, even if you are not alone




Blue, that's my Valentine's Day color. Guess everyone has complaints, guess I should feel lucky to have a man to spend that day with. A man that wants to marry me even. But what if I don't want to marry him? What if I have known for at least a year now that its so completely over, that I am wasting my time. That while I am wasting my time, what if my prince gets tired of waiting for me and settles for someone else? Sounds like I should just move on, huh? After 6 years, it difficult. But I KNOW that he is not the right one for me. I can feel it. I am sick to death of being mentally and occasionally physically abused.




Oh now he's never broken any bones or left bruises where clothing would not cover, he's too smart for that. But I can handle the physical, I am a wildcat when need be, and I will go to blows with him when necessary, but he's a wrestler by nature and if he gets me off my feet is over, I don't have the body weight to overpower him. So whatever, bruises will eventually fade.




Its the mental scars that wont..............




Bitch, cunt, whore, slut. You disgust me, you make me miserable. Fuck you, you ain't shit. Get the fuck outta my face or I'll choke you you fuckin white whore. This is daily. Of, course he apologizes, but so what.




Oh and simply for background information, I am the Administrator of a corporation that I single handed built from a blank paper, with only financial support from the owner. I used to be a model, before I became a mother (but don't get it twisted, i'm still bangin) And I pay ALL the bills, he doesn't have a job. AND during our relationship he chose to sleep with his friend and now has a baby by her. Sweet huh?




I met a man during the course of this ill fated relationship.He's a true devoted Christian man. He is smooth and hard all at the same time. His skin is so dark and rich, like I could lick every inch ad not be satisfied. I want him for my own, but I will probably never be able to make that claim. I have looked all over the net to see if he has a blog (not a stalker, just curious, I like voyeurism)


But he is still experiencing life, and a spirit like his could never be tied down against its will. It would be unnatural.




I just long so badly for that type of man. Someone to nurture me, a strong sexy black man who wants me for who and what I am. I no longer wish to be taken advantage of. I think that its sick that alot of interraial relationships consist of the white girl being used and abused. I personally know many couples that are of mixed race and each person is respected and cherished by their mate. Thats what I want!!!




I can only hope that it comes to me before its too late!!